I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
