I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
So squirting runs in the family.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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