I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
