I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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