tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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