Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
