Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i will never coherently bang her
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
