y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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