I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
