I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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