So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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