why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
