please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
