I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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