tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
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