i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
