yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
