I'm jealous of your bromance
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
