Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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