He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
