he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
