I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
