Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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