tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
