there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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