apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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