you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
