i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
