Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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