I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
