Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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