May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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