Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
