I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
