what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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