HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
