She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
