I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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