id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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