Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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