i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
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Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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