Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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