Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
