apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
