You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
