I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
