i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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