Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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