It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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