Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
