peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
