I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
