i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
